Always looking for filth or innuendo where there isn’t any

Scene: There is a dating website for singles over 50 being advertized on the TV. Mum and I are watching TV when the advert comes on. In one of the scenes….they show close up shots of the couple.

Mum: Why is the close up of the crotches needed?

Me: ITS A CLOSE UP OF THEM HOLDING HANDS!

It was literally a shot of the couple holding hands, but you could also see their waists. Apparently, this is a ‘crotch shot’. 

She doesn’t get what it sounds like

Scene: Sitting in a restaurant with mum and dad, a woman at a table next to us is being extremely loud (probably because she is intoxicated)

Mum: Someone should shut her up by shoving a wiener down her throat.

Me: MUM! Don’t say that. Say something like chicken nuggets instead.

Mum: Why? How about a cucumber instead? It would go all the way down here *points to her throat*

 

Something stinks about this

There is raccoon poop on the roof of the shed outside my window, mum freaks out thinking its too big to be from a raccoon and thinks its human. I say “Mum if someone was angry at us wouldnt they deposit it somewhere so that we find it right away and not somewhere hard to do it? (a sloped roof??!) Just to put her mind at ease she googles “Show me raccoon poop” and I hear a “Eeeeeeeeewww” from downstairs and “Yep its raccoon”.